Letter to the Editor(s)

I've thought about how to start this post

for most of the workday. 

And I've basically come up with nothing!

haha

I find myself in an incredibly new position as of late.

I can't seem to remember the simplest things!

 

Some are really silly:

1) did I email that person back?

2) did I text that person back/return a phone call?

(ok, who am I kidding. I never remember to return phone calls. haha)

3) where did I leave ____ (fill in the blank)

4) "Tyler, can you get the thing that's on the thing by the thing?"

(good grief! I cannot think!)

Others are a little different.

I feel like I was once an extremely motivated person. 

Maybe a little too much.

College was intense, not just for me,

but for everyone around me.

[I used to write all my roommates apologetic letters after each semester]

Now, looking back,

I wish I would have relaxed more and enjoyed the experience.

And, after I had Ethan, I tried that.

It was pretty nice!

Quite quickly after Ethan was born,

I was out and about, 

shopping at Ikea with my family,

walking around the park talking to friends,

and now that he's a little older,

we go hiking with friends!

 

Here's the dilemma.

 

I'm having a hard time.

 

Not surprising, right?

 

But with what?

 

I can't seem to motivate myself anymore.

I want to work out.

I want to eat healthier :)

I want to be more efficient with housework, etc.

 I want to be a fantastic wife!

I want to take Ethan out to do things and not be nervous that he'll fuss.

I want to go to the Halloween parties we've been invited to.

I want, I want, I want.

[blah, blah, blah, I know]

 

 And, instead of seizing the day,

I just sit.

Rest.

Take naps.

And then work for 7 days straight. 

Repeat.

Instead of doing the things I want to accomplish,

I find myself "explaining away" why I can't or shouldn't do them.

 

For instance, 

we're sleep training Ethan this week and he's doing great!

He's down by 8:45, asleep most nights by 9:15-9:30.

 

 And instead of working out, 

I watch Bones, the World Series, or fold laundry.

You get the picture.

 

Instead of going and doing things,

or even getting dressed up for work like I used to,

I now find myself nervous to do those things.

The getting dressed up thing is hard b/c a lot of stuff doesn't fit.

Hence, the working out! haha

 

Why am I nervous?

 

Simply put: because I don't like to fail.

And I'm afraid that I'll fail.

 

Does this even make sense? 

 

I guess that I'm having a bit of trouble finding myself again.

I felt like this after each semester was over,

as the study partners change with new classes,

roommates came and went,

and I was given the opportunity to change myself repeatedly.

 

I love that opportunity to change.

I'm not re-inventing the wheel necessarily,

but I'm trying to develop different aspects of my character.

 

And, in trying to find myself, I feel a bit selfish. 

Shouldn't my situation in life be enough for me?

Why can't I be happy with what's going on?

 

Honestly, its because I know I can be more.

I just don't know where to start.

 

Luckily, I have a super supportive husband.

He doesn't mind when the house isn't spotless,

or when we have homemade pizza for the 3rd time in a week,

or when I come home from work and don't look amazing - haha

 

He'd love to support me in all my goals. 

I just wish I could start trying to achieve them.

And the only reason I haven't started

is because I'm holding myself back.

 

***

 

What do you do when you find yourself in this kind of a position?

Let me guess.

You probably start doing stuff instead of just thinking about it all the time. 

haha

 

So, help a sister out.

Even the smallest or largest explanations would be helpful.

If you don't want to post online,

feel free to email me with those suggestions too :)

lilbebedol19 {at} gmail {dot} com

 

 Thanks for listening.

Two more days of work,

and then I'm off for a week!

Hooray!

ps - totally getting my hair cut/colored next Friday!

Suggestions?!?!?