...go walking in my shoes...

Decisions scare me. Not just the big ones, because even deciding what to order when eating out is a little nerve-wracking. However, some decisions aren't so bad. Like going on for more schooling. That wasn't such a hard decision to make. Eating M&M's at 8 in the morning-also not a hard decision. Yet over the past few days, I've been dwelling on another decision, almost constantly. As a girl, I have naturally explored almost every possibility, the outcomes, talked it over with Tyler, etc. I'm slightly exhausted from thinking about it...so now I'll turn it over to you. Think about your response wisely, because I will consider it! :)

I will have my second degree in August - I have a BS in BioChem and will get a second one in the field of Medical Laboratory Science (I can be a researcher, work in hospitals, etc) in only a year total. Tyler has taken the last year off of school to put me through, obviously to minimize the use of student loans (I'm terrified of the word 'loan' and the reprocussions it may bring). So, the next logical steps are as follows:

1. Tyler goes back to school to finish up

2. I work

OR

1. Tyler goes back to school

2. I go get my Master's (both at the same time)

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Facing the Facts:

-I don't really need a master's degree for my field, because if I got one, I'd have to keep going to get a PhD and I don't have plans for that.

-I really don't want to work for the rest of my life

-I think the only reason I want a Master's is to be able to say I have one. Some of my friends from HS have gone on to get them, and because I can't stop comparing myself to everyone around me, I feel pressure (just from inside) and that results in feeling "not-good-enough" beacuse I don't have that title. How lame is that? Well, I know its lame, but its true nonetheless.

-It might take another year to year-and-a-half to get the Masters and I want to start a family, but also desire work experience. Hm.

-What if I racked up a lot of student loans while getting my Master's and then got prego? (This is the scenario that Tyler brought up and because of all of the $$ involved, I couldn't think about this one for long.)

-I have begun to realize that Ty and I are in this together and I feel that I would like to focus on him, his schooling, and ultimately the future of our family (based around his goals, aspirations, etc) instead of me. This may make me sound self-centered, but its honestly something innocent I've started noticing about my insides, and how I'd like to be better.

-Ty has worked for a long time; shouldn't it be my turn?

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In the end, the decision won't be made for another few months and I'm sure Tyler and I will continue this discussion frequently. There are so many perspectives that we've dreamed up, that I haven't typed, and ones that I'm sure you can think of too! However, I think that the perspectives from our close friends offers unseen wisdom, guidance, and ultimately free counseling. So respond away - What route would you take if this were you? And your family? :)

Tomorrow is going to be a quiet day.

For those of you who have not experienced this before, most people tend to freak out...slightly. I don't talk as much, I'm quiet, essentially recluse whereas I am ordinarily quite the opposite.

Its just time. Know those moods where you know you just need to cry and everything will be better? Its like that, only quiet, not wet.

It was as if my soul had wings....

Tonight my soul soared upon the wings of the music, echoing throughout the chapel as I pounded out every emotion that resonated within me. Tyler took me to the church-house, since he has keys, and for the next 45 minutes, I gloriously lived through that music. I haven't been able to play regularly in years, and all of a sudden, the joy that playing music brings rushed back through my body, heart, mind, and soul :) I sang with passion, inside myself (because lets be honest - you never know who could walk through those doors and I always get nervous), as loudly as one silently can! Amazing.
As we left the building, Tyler remarked on how we really can feel the Spirit through music. I play with passion, moving with the music, as if it were my story I was telling. Its almost like my testimony at times, playing EFY music (Oh My Soul Hungered - you know the one), hymns, classics, and Broadway - my favorite. I am just content. Content and happy.
Find something that lets you fly. Do it. Live it. Love it.

...and the verdict is....

SUNDAY: It went amazingly well! The kids all caught on and according to my co-teacher and others, it was the most well-behaved the kids had been in the past 3 weeks!

The kids felt like they were playing a game the whole time and absolutely loved it! They all got to participate in the activity, one at a time (to minimize touching) and I even think they enjoyed watching each other 'go through life!" I actually filled up the entire time with the lesson-never thought I would be able to do that! haha

Sacrament meeting was amazing. Apparently I'm to be the first female General Authority, Tyler touched every single soul and made them cry (cute) and the High Counsel member that spoke humbled every member of the congregation, bringing the meeting to a beautiful close. The Spirit was palpable-loved every minute of it. Isn't it cool how the Spirit instructs the speakers when you're all on the same page?!

Either way, stay tuned for more random episodes of Sunbeams...oh my. haha Hope your week has been wonderful!

Plan of Salvation - according to 3 yr olds :)

I know you can't see this picture too well, but wait - read first, then smile with delight as you look back!

I have the attention span of a 3 yr old, especially during some periods of church-anyone who says they haven't experienced this sensation is either lying or trying to sell you something, like Living Scripture action figures/videos/etc. My co-teacher Kat and I got reassigned to teach the 3 yr old Sunbeams and there are 8 of them. OH HANNAH. What in the world are we going to do? Well, so far we've laughed so hard we've almost cried, yet the laughing was to keep from crying...hmm. I'll have to re-think this.

Anyway, tomorrow's lesson is about Heavenly Father's Plan for Me - how do you teach the plan of salvation to those little kids? Well, we're going to talk about our spirits in the premortal existence, coming to earth to receive a body, and then returning to our Father in Heaven once more. This lesson is going to involve masking tape on the floor from a set of chairs representing the Premortal Existence, then you'll have to hop off of the chairs (holding a clear, plastic spoon equipt with eyes, a little nose and a big smile!), onto the masking tape, leading to earth (middle of the classroom) where you'll get an outfit to color and put onto your spoon :) then you'll dance around the earth, hop back on the path that God has for you (masking tape on floor as a 'path') and you'll remove the clothes in the process (death), then go to the other side to sit on another bunch of chairs - when the resurrection comes, you'll put your little clothes back onto your spoon and we'll party :)

This post is a little rough, but that's because I'm too excited to explain it all - I got caught up in making these little spoon people and they are so cute! I know, I'm a science nerd that is still a child. And I'm loving it. We're going to sing, play Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes, learn the plan of salvation, and have a marvelous time - hopefully without any crying or "Where's my daddy?" Wish me luck - and the picture is funny because I took it off my computer and just snapped it from where I was sitting-thank heavens for the mac :)

Hope you have a marvelous Sunday - Tyler and I are speaking in Sacrament Meeting as well...this Sunday is going to be wonderful!!!!! (I love teaching the doctrine!)

Click Clicks!

Out to dinner with some friends from Salt Lake, Ty went to take the funniest picture ever. All of a sudden, our Sony Cybershot went "ka-put!" We are, needless to say, so sad. And in the market :) So friends, it is now time to NETWORK. There are two cameras that we're interested in investing in-so talk to your photography friends, talk to yourself, and then talk to us! We'd really appreciate it! I'm looking into becoming more interested in photography around...lets say August. But would be looking to purchase one around April. So any feedback is good feedback, and the more feedback the better, and the better I'll feel about actually purchasing :) Our blog is open so anyone can comment!!! Thanks!

-Canon EOS Rebel XS
-Nikon D60

Thanks you guys!!!!

my dad is famous for sunday afternoon drives. these aren't the usual 45 mph drives to no-where-land. these are drives throughout PA's magnificent forestry/scenery, homes of the elite, etc. we would drive to homes and my dad would teach me about how to build houses, the styles, the flaws, and brick by brick, he would dissect the homes of my dreams-which only allowed me to dream in more detail. thanks dad.

one day as i sighed, for the billionth time, he continued driving and told me a story, about when he and my mom were first married. he and my mom would drive and look and houses, dreaming of what they would and could one day have. until my mom got all sorts of down. living on the tiniest of budgets and then looking at mansions prob isn't the way to appease the 'save now, buy/invest later' feeling. back then, my parents were living in Fullerton, CA, and like all newly married couples, were poorer then dirt (thanks Nancy for giving me that term :) but over the years, i think my parents have done really well for themselves. they've earned, invested, saved, persisted, overcome cancer (both of them by the will of the Lord), and raised (still raising) 4 kids that are crazier then the kids in your local sacrament meeting combined.

so why am i posting this? i'll be frank - i only have 2 semesters left until i finish a 2nd degree and school starts again on monday. i can't even remember the last time that i could just sit and do - nothing - and love it. until i started blog-stalking and began dreaming, once again, of the future instead of living in the present. sometimes you just want the baby without the labor pains (one of my fav quotes from oceans 13) - yet how robbed would i be without this middle section that i want to skip? some friends and i talked about this last night - ty and i are pretty grateful that we weren't given everything as kids, teenagers, young adults, etc. we're just grateful for really great examples, like friends, parents, and others who have gone before us.

now its time to go and do something productive. like fold laundry. that's an eternal chore if there ever was one :) dreams will continue to be dreamed...just within reason for now.

pondering my lines upon lines...

laying in bed tonight i started thinking about a concept i've believed in for years. you know that you have a purpose in life. whatever this purpose may be, it is inherently individualized specifically for you and your character. now, here is my question:

how do you find your meaning?

meaning defines your purpose each day - in the sense that it is an everyday process that you and i follow in an attempt to find success (in whatever way you define success-this too is individualized).

you have an overall purpose, generalized to title your life. but what will the subheadings read? the individual chapters that you write? how will you write those chapters that will fill this book of life with meaning-the meaning that in the end defined your purpose.

'the time is now yours' :

BOOOO-YAH!!!!!!!!!

I would just like to post this post to spite all of the "self-righteous" BYU-fans. Not my friends and family who support their favorite school (BYU), but those ridiculous ones that think the Prophet called them to play. Dumb. I can't stand kids like that. So, eat it. Way to go UTAH. How awesome. Now, people might actually come to the state to play football! haha

Either way, since I go to the U, I'm stoked. What an amazing game. Hope you LOVED it. We sure did. Pretty sure I was standing up on the couch at one point - soooo anxious. WONDERFUL. GO UTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh and mad props to that #28 on Alabama-for that amazing return....astounding!!! still, go utes!

Say Cheese! And a Rockin' New Years Eve

Remember the day that your mom told you to wash you hair, brush your teeth, and put on the same matching outfit as your other siblings? Yes folks, once again it is time for family photos. On NYE the Hollingshaus family gathered together at a studio in Riverton to execute this ordeal. Don't worry-its just as heinous as you remember. Kids scrambling all over the adults, picking their noses, grinning like they're about to eat nasty vegetables, etc. It was an eye opening experience for me. I have never quite experienced anything of the kind, even in my family's photos! Either way, the pictures have been taken and they didn't even turn out half bad! Hooray! All I have to say is that I'm thankful they're over :)

After the picture sitting, Tyler and I ventured over to his sister's house, aka "Wendi and Paul." They invited us over for NYE, along with another set of married siblings. Wendi and Paul have two adorable little girls with more energy then the atomic bomb. Its hilarious and exasperating, in the best of ways, at the same time. I ended up playing (or babysitting, haha) with those two little girls for most of the night-they are so funny! The little songs they make up, the way they play with barbies, the things they color...its so fun! I seem to find myself more comfortable around the kids then I do around people my own age...hm. I think its because they're more accepting-little kids don't care about what classes you take, what your future looks like, or whether or not you're interested in politics-they just want to play. Me too! And when it was time for us to make New Year's resolutions, Sydney and I drew string...lots of string...on a piece of paper (she's 4). Awesome.

Eventually, the adults dragged me down to the living room and we played Rockband on the Wii-now, I haven't ever really played video games at all (all I ever wanted was Super Nintendo with Super Mario Brothers...sad day). So, I've been practicing and I am getting really good at Rockband. Way to go me! But seriously, Wendi, Paul, Ty and I have so much fun playing-we 'help' the little girls play and that's super funny to watch too! The songs get harder and harder as you go on, and Tyler got to the point that he was just banging all of the drum pads just to stay alive!!! His facial expressions were so funny that Wendi could barely keep singing, and I seriously wanted to pee my pants-songs that you have never heard before are soooo much harder to play along to as opposed to something by Weezer. But hey-its all fun and games.

We spent the night at Wendi's and woke up, ate breakfast, and....played more Wii! You know its embarassing when the 6-yr old beats all of the adults at darts. I came back the next round and schooled everyone, so I ended up feeling ok about myself. haha We eventually got back to playing Rockband and beat it! I never thought I could have so much fun, but my oh my-what fun our families had playing like rock stars...aka still in our pajamas until 4:30 pm yesterday. Loved It.

The All-End-All-Epifiany: I started out feeling bummed this holiday season. Those feelings have fluctuated and I can say that when I woke up on New Year's Day, I was so thankful to Wendi and Paul for having us to stay-it was almost like I belonged somewhere once more. There are still days that I feel like the widow that lives all alone and no one comes to visit her, for she is a forgotten piece of yesterday, etc. I believe that when we feel a certain way that is exteremly uncharacteristic of our character-it is so we might learn empathy for those who feel this way more often then not. This is a valley I pass through at times, and I am grateful for the experience that it has given me, in learning to combat such feelings along with ever-constant supplicaiton to my Heavenly Father. I have never experienced such things before-now I hope to be compassionate towards those who are weary, and to have more concern for the one. I spent one morning this week listening to all of the Saturday Afternoon Session of General Conference again. "Come What May and Love It" has become my new theme-this will hopfully guide my new year.

Happy New Year's Everyone!