Recently I've had a chance to reflect, quite a lot, about why I feel the way I do about certain things. For instance, recently, I've been forced to admit that planning a wedding long distance while being separated from Tyler, working long 16 hr days, and anything else that you can possibly imagine is just plain stressful. I've begun to take a look at my life and find that I no longer want to live within a masquerade, no longer play an active role in this charade; I realized that I don't have to always be 'picture perfect.'
Somehow quite a lot of us are under the absurd impression that we are to be perfect. I love Elder Wirthlin's talk on "Concern for the One" from a recent conference. We can be weary, different, etc, but we are still of worth to the Lord.
All of the pretenses that I've assumed over the past few months are taking their toll. I tried to balance everything in my life and hope that no one would notice just how much I really couldn't do on my own. I have felt more alone during the past few months then ever before, but who wants to look at a picture that's forlorn? Not too many. So, what do we do? We re-paint, covering the real artwork, hoping that no one will notice the smudges that were once our own blatent inadequacies. We hope that adornments such as an exquitite frame will draw attention away from our imperfections, giving an overall desirable feeling to the painting itself. Maybe someone will want us then. (Start making the allegory about the threads in your life and the view that the Master has as He threads us through all of these experiences.)
"All of these dreams in my head,
keep spinning round
I'm grabbing my paper and pencil to pin 'em down
I'll sketch my world as a prettier place
draw my self with a smiley face
and make this picture perfect
But all of these lines on my page
won't mean anything
until I learn to erase
the ones that I don't need
I'm covering up the stupid mistakes
and starting over and over again
to make this picture perfect
I'll start with where I'm standing now
and begin shaping where I want to be
no one can tear my picture down
because it's me
and as long as I'm still proud
of this self portrait I'm creating
I'm doing fine"
-My song of sanity.
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