Saturday, October 27, 2012

Letter to the Editor(s)

I've thought about how to start this post
for most of the workday. 
And I've basically come up with nothing!

I find myself in an incredibly new position as of late.
I can't seem to remember the simplest things!
Some are really silly:
1) did I email that person back?
2) did I text that person back/return a phone call?
(ok, who am I kidding. I never remember to return phone calls. haha)
3) where did I leave ____ (fill in the blank)
4) "Tyler, can you get the thing that's on the thing by the thing?"
(good grief! I cannot think!)

Others are a little different.
I feel like I was once an extremely motivated person. 
Maybe a little too much.
College was intense, not just for me,
but for everyone around me.
[I used to write all my roommates apologetic letters after each semester]

Now, looking back,
I wish I would have relaxed more and enjoyed the experience.
And, after I had Ethan, I tried that.
It was pretty nice!

Quite quickly after Ethan was born,
I was out and about, 
shopping at Ikea with my family,
walking around the park talking to friends,
and now that he's a little older,
we go hiking with friends!
Here's the dilemma.
I'm having a hard time.
Not surprising, right?
But with what?
I can't seem to motivate myself anymore.
I want to work out.
I want to eat healthier :)
I want to be more efficient with housework, etc.
 I want to be a fantastic wife!
I want to take Ethan out to do things and not be nervous that he'll fuss.
I want to go to the Halloween parties we've been invited to.
I want, I want, I want.
[blah, blah, blah, I know]
 And, instead of seizing the day,
I just sit.
Take naps.
And then work for 7 days straight. 

Instead of doing the things I want to accomplish,
I find myself "explaining away" why I can't or shouldn't do them.
For instance, 
we're sleep training Ethan this week and he's doing great!
He's down by 8:45, asleep most nights by 9:15-9:30.
 And instead of working out, 
I watch Bones, the World Series, or fold laundry.
You get the picture.
Instead of going and doing things,
or even getting dressed up for work like I used to,
I now find myself nervous to do those things.
The getting dressed up thing is hard b/c a lot of stuff doesn't fit.
Hence, the working out! haha
Why am I nervous?
Simply put: because I don't like to fail.
And I'm afraid that I'll fail.
Does this even make sense? 
I guess that I'm having a bit of trouble finding myself again.
I felt like this after each semester was over,
as the study partners change with new classes,
roommates came and went,
and I was given the opportunity to change myself repeatedly.
I love that opportunity to change.
I'm not re-inventing the wheel necessarily,
but I'm trying to develop different aspects of my character.
And, in trying to find myself, I feel a bit selfish. 
Shouldn't my situation in life be enough for me?
Why can't I be happy with what's going on?
Honestly, its because I know I can be more.
I just don't know where to start.
Luckily, I have a super supportive husband.
He doesn't mind when the house isn't spotless,
or when we have homemade pizza for the 3rd time in a week,
or when I come home from work and don't look amazing - haha
He'd love to support me in all my goals. 
I just wish I could start trying to achieve them.
And the only reason I haven't started
is because I'm holding myself back.
What do you do when you find yourself in this kind of a position?
Let me guess.
You probably start doing stuff instead of just thinking about it all the time. 
So, help a sister out.
Even the smallest or largest explanations would be helpful.
If you don't want to post online,
feel free to email me with those suggestions too :)
lilbebedol19 {at} gmail {dot} com
 Thanks for listening.

Two more days of work,
and then I'm off for a week!

ps - totally getting my hair cut/colored next Friday!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Fall Photo Montage

Seriously. Could my kid get any cuter? Yes. Just keep scrolling.

 This is my favorite face.

Oh my! I laugh every time I look at the "O" on that chubby face. Just kills me! haha

Today on facebook, my friend posted this article. Its all about how moms are super self conscious about appearing in pictures with their kids b/c they feel unattractive. I read this after making the decision to try and have pictures with Ethan + I. Our kids aren't going to notice how our hips are a bit wider, or how I haven't done my hair for days...(ok, maybe you can tell, but I'm not stressed haha) or how my face is still round. I hope that Ethan can see how much I love him, how fun he is to hold, and how much his mommy cared to preserve a memory. He is darling. I hope he'll see how I tried hard to make him smile, even when it was so chilly in the evening mountain air. I hope he'll know that whether I'm here for the next 40 years or the next 40 days, I will always be his mother and we will always be together.

A big thanks to Nancy and her adorable son James 
for having us tag along for the fall photo shoot.
I always wanted to go, but was nervous about doing it alone.
So glad for good friends!

Happy Conference Weekend!

After all, 
Family is what Life is all about.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Chomp Chomp Chomp!

This week, we decided to start teething.

We turned 3 months old on Sept 24th.

Oh my. Where did the time go?

 I wish this picture wasn't blurry, but oh that smile.

I love Tylenol.

And I love that smile.

I love that smile + Tylenol the best.

 Tiny feets and tiny toes.

Teething brings a lot of woes.

Can't you tell we've all lost a *little* bit of sleep this week?

One bottom tooth up - the other is almost through.


Thank heavens for the best husband under the stars.
Otherwise, no one would have slept.
Tyler is incredible.
And so is baby.

We are all lucky to:
a) still be alive after my first week back to work
b) have each other
c) have the gospel
d) have Tylenol
e) have a *cloud* {this is what I affectionately call my down comforter - it comforts me}

Tomorrow = first day off.
Hopefully, lots of sleep.
Anyone want to come and hold my hand while I try and find my sanity? hahaha {don't volunteer; this might take a while and may not be too pretty}

I like challenges - not trials, challenges. The week back at work was full of fun and lots of challenges. Teething = trial. But luckily, the kid thinks its a challenge. He did great. He is doing great. And now that it's 11:30pm, I wish we were all doing something other then this being awake thing.

Wish us luck :)