Saturday, October 27, 2012

Letter to the Editor(s)

I've thought about how to start this post
for most of the workday. 
And I've basically come up with nothing!

I find myself in an incredibly new position as of late.
I can't seem to remember the simplest things!
Some are really silly:
1) did I email that person back?
2) did I text that person back/return a phone call?
(ok, who am I kidding. I never remember to return phone calls. haha)
3) where did I leave ____ (fill in the blank)
4) "Tyler, can you get the thing that's on the thing by the thing?"
(good grief! I cannot think!)

Others are a little different.
I feel like I was once an extremely motivated person. 
Maybe a little too much.
College was intense, not just for me,
but for everyone around me.
[I used to write all my roommates apologetic letters after each semester]

Now, looking back,
I wish I would have relaxed more and enjoyed the experience.
And, after I had Ethan, I tried that.
It was pretty nice!

Quite quickly after Ethan was born,
I was out and about, 
shopping at Ikea with my family,
walking around the park talking to friends,
and now that he's a little older,
we go hiking with friends!
Here's the dilemma.
I'm having a hard time.
Not surprising, right?
But with what?
I can't seem to motivate myself anymore.
I want to work out.
I want to eat healthier :)
I want to be more efficient with housework, etc.
 I want to be a fantastic wife!
I want to take Ethan out to do things and not be nervous that he'll fuss.
I want to go to the Halloween parties we've been invited to.
I want, I want, I want.
[blah, blah, blah, I know]
 And, instead of seizing the day,
I just sit.
Take naps.
And then work for 7 days straight. 

Instead of doing the things I want to accomplish,
I find myself "explaining away" why I can't or shouldn't do them.
For instance, 
we're sleep training Ethan this week and he's doing great!
He's down by 8:45, asleep most nights by 9:15-9:30.
 And instead of working out, 
I watch Bones, the World Series, or fold laundry.
You get the picture.
Instead of going and doing things,
or even getting dressed up for work like I used to,
I now find myself nervous to do those things.
The getting dressed up thing is hard b/c a lot of stuff doesn't fit.
Hence, the working out! haha
Why am I nervous?
Simply put: because I don't like to fail.
And I'm afraid that I'll fail.
Does this even make sense? 
I guess that I'm having a bit of trouble finding myself again.
I felt like this after each semester was over,
as the study partners change with new classes,
roommates came and went,
and I was given the opportunity to change myself repeatedly.
I love that opportunity to change.
I'm not re-inventing the wheel necessarily,
but I'm trying to develop different aspects of my character.
And, in trying to find myself, I feel a bit selfish. 
Shouldn't my situation in life be enough for me?
Why can't I be happy with what's going on?
Honestly, its because I know I can be more.
I just don't know where to start.
Luckily, I have a super supportive husband.
He doesn't mind when the house isn't spotless,
or when we have homemade pizza for the 3rd time in a week,
or when I come home from work and don't look amazing - haha
He'd love to support me in all my goals. 
I just wish I could start trying to achieve them.
And the only reason I haven't started
is because I'm holding myself back.
What do you do when you find yourself in this kind of a position?
Let me guess.
You probably start doing stuff instead of just thinking about it all the time. 
So, help a sister out.
Even the smallest or largest explanations would be helpful.
If you don't want to post online,
feel free to email me with those suggestions too :)
lilbebedol19 {at} gmail {dot} com
 Thanks for listening.

Two more days of work,
and then I'm off for a week!

ps - totally getting my hair cut/colored next Friday!


Aaron, Whitney, and kids said...

Krista I don't have any prophetic words of advice, mostly because I am in a similar situation and if I had a good solution I wouldn't be where I am :) But it definitely is easier for me to tell you not to worry and that this will pass, than it is for me to take my own advice. You WILL be yourself again one day (whether that is the same self as in college or a new and improved self!). I'm pretty certain that it takes longer than we think it should to adjust to the HUGE change that happens to us physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc when we have children. I am a perfectionist too, worried about failure, and impatient for when things start to feel normal again. So to me life is just not what I think it should be. But it will be! Someday! It has to be, right?? Just hold on to that.

Nancy said...

"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble."-Helen Keller

Oh Krista, I am only learning slowly, but I feel as though I am learning! This quote is on my fridge. It helps remind me of my amazing responsibility and role as a mother I have. I won't write a novel on this, but just know that through life we have seasons, and right now you are experiencing one. They come and go and we are shaped and changed by them. It is different than what you are use to, but still good. I still have daily struggles with little things you mentioned, but over the years I can see myself growing and learning so much more, than if I never had those struggles. Hang in there....and know you are not alone. xxx